peasprout spouts

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Saturday, February 22

recall the worst-case scenario handbooks...

here's my submission to the publishers.


1. When to shovel: can you still see your car? Good, at least you've found it.
2. Where to get a shovel: if you don't want to buy one, ask someone who lives in a house. Apartment-dwellers are inevitably non-shovel owners. Should you be unable to locate a shovel, do not despair. The following objects have been proven to be effective: frying pans, cutting boards, dust pans, and hands.
3. Where to begin: First you should make a pathway to the driver's side of the car. Preferably the door which the driver gets in. It can help if you try to break up the snow first. Do not worry too much about where you fling it, esp. if it's past midnight and there are no persons or vehicles careening down the road. Once you are able to open the door, turn on the engine and get the car running.
4. Tires: clear snow from tires. Be sure to check the side of the tire which you cannot see. This may entail lying prone on the snow. Don't be afraid, snow washes off. If you aren't wearing waterproof gear, keep in mind that you will eventually dry off.
5. Other areas of focus: Make a pathway for the car to get out. Even if you get to the car door and clear off the tires, you still to remove the snow blocking the car.

Miscellaneous Hints:

1. When facing with trekking through snow, anticipate the possibility of the snow not carrying your weight. Should you suddenly find yourself knee-high in snow, lift foot and begin again. Should the snow hold your weight, begin shuffling quickly but gently towards your destination before snow breaks again.
2. The vast majority of cars still run on gas.
3. If snow is vaguely part of any adventures at any time of day or night, it is advisable to wear any or all snow-gear.
4. Amount of time spent for task is dependent on amount of the snow, time since snow fall, weather conditions since snow fall, and temperature.
5. If you laugh really hard, adventure improves exponentially, regardless of time of night, magnitude of snow, and loss of sleep.

Unrelevant Hint:

Do not leave your spare keys in your apartment. That is a stupid idea.


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